I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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