Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i dont even know how to be here
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
