Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
