I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can I color on your dick again?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
