my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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