His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
