Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
