I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize