Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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