I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
