haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
foreskin is a definite game changer
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
