but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
