Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
the liver wants what the liver wants
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize