I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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