this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
