remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
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