he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
