I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
