please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
