Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
