My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
