I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
