im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
