i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
