I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
