You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Slut skills are useful in every country.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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