woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
