In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize