Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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