Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
