My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
