she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
