It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
