I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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