Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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