So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
