No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
