he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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