How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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