I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
