.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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