I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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