nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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