You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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