During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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