I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
