i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
