The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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