Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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