You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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