I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize