come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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