My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
