I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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