May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
