my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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