I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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