Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
