i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
