i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
