My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
